Captivity Review (2007)

*** - I don't get to see a lot of movies nowadays due to school and working on improving my horrible backyard. So many of these reviews will be for older movies that you might have missed when they were originally released ***

Director: Roland Joffe

Cast: Elisha Cuthbert - Jennifer Tree

Daniel Gillies - Gary Dexter

Pruit Taylor Vince - Ben Dexter

Original Plot Write-up

Ugh. Spoiled rich girl who gets kidnapped at a bar (that she brings her dog to for some reason) wakes up a captive! Hey is that another dude also captive? Sweet, a B.F.F while i wait to get killed.

My Lame Point of View

Captivity is the story of a young, spoiled actress/model who is your typical stuck up bitch. She's the kind of girl who goes to a bar with you, drinks all night off your tab, grinds on you on the dance floor and then just wants a hug and be buddies at the end of the night. Bitch! Well supposedly this guy doing his best jigsaw (from the Saw franchise) impression wants to put her through all of these various torture scenarios (using her greatest fears) to teach her a lesson. And that lesson you ask? Why it is the old "You are going to be tortured and still die anyways" lesson. One of my favorites.

But how does someone get so much information about her fears? Well I guess this dumbass (Elisha Cuthbert) tells everything in her 20/20 interviews which gives the torturer tons of ammunition to use against her. It actually reminds me of an episode of Family Guy where Peter gives a killer a picture of his son with his class schedule and list of fears. Unbelievable! Hey sweetheart, here is a hint. If you are that famous you are going to have stalkers. Have enough common sense and don't talk about your fears of isolation and the dark, etc. etc.

Anyways, while captive the heroine meets another man, Gary, who is also mixed into the sadistic game of torture. I really wish i knew what the point of all the games were, but it was so forgettable i cant even remember it. Was she supposed to be more appreciative about her life? I just don't know. In fact if you read this horrible review, comment back and tell me what the point was. So now the two have to work together to escape the mad man.Will the two escape with their lives? Is there something fishy about Gary? Will the two have an impromptu sex scene in between being tortured? Will you stop this movie halfway through and pretend it's broken just to return it for something better?

I guess you will just have to find out...

Violence

Well at least it had that going for the movie. There was plenty of violence and gore, but to be honest a lot of it was in the dark and hard to make out. I will say one thing. That is the strangest version of a protein shake i have ever seen.

Naughty Areas

Elisha Cuthbert teases us again. One of these days she will hit rock bottom and will have to make a homemade sex tape for all the men to enjoy. The way her career is going, it will probably be sooner than you think.

How Drunk Must You Be To Watch

Drink an entire fifth of Jack. Then take the empty bottle and crack the thing over your head so you can lay unconscious until the end credits roll.