Captivity Review (2007)

*** - I don't get to see a lot of movies nowadays due to school and working on improving my horrible backyard. So many of these reviews will be for older movies that you might have missed when they were originally released ***

Director: Roland Joffe

Cast: Elisha Cuthbert - Jennifer Tree

Daniel Gillies - Gary Dexter

Pruit Taylor Vince - Ben Dexter

Original Plot Write-up

Ugh. Spoiled rich girl who gets kidnapped at a bar (that she brings her dog to for some reason) wakes up a captive! Hey is that another dude also captive? Sweet, a B.F.F while i wait to get killed.

My Lame Point of View

Captivity is the story of a young, spoiled actress/model who is your typical stuck up bitch. She's the kind of girl who goes to a bar with you, drinks all night off your tab, grinds on you on the dance floor and then just wants a hug and be buddies at the end of the night. Bitch! Well supposedly this guy doing his best jigsaw (from the Saw franchise) impression wants to put her through all of these various torture scenarios (using her greatest fears) to teach her a lesson. And that lesson you ask? Why it is the old "You are going to be tortured and still die anyways" lesson. One of my favorites.

But how does someone get so much information about her fears? Well I guess this dumbass (Elisha Cuthbert) tells everything in her 20/20 interviews which gives the torturer tons of ammunition to use against her. It actually reminds me of an episode of Family Guy where Peter gives a killer a picture of his son with his class schedule and list of fears. Unbelievable! Hey sweetheart, here is a hint. If you are that famous you are going to have stalkers. Have enough common sense and don't talk about your fears of isolation and the dark, etc. etc.

Anyways, while captive the heroine meets another man, Gary, who is also mixed into the sadistic game of torture. I really wish i knew what the point of all the games were, but it was so forgettable i cant even remember it. Was she supposed to be more appreciative about her life? I just don't know. In fact if you read this horrible review, comment back and tell me what the point was. So now the two have to work together to escape the mad man.Will the two escape with their lives? Is there something fishy about Gary? Will the two have an impromptu sex scene in between being tortured? Will you stop this movie halfway through and pretend it's broken just to return it for something better?

I guess you will just have to find out...

Violence

Well at least it had that going for the movie. There was plenty of violence and gore, but to be honest a lot of it was in the dark and hard to make out. I will say one thing. That is the strangest version of a protein shake i have ever seen.

Naughty Areas

Elisha Cuthbert teases us again. One of these days she will hit rock bottom and will have to make a homemade sex tape for all the men to enjoy. The way her career is going, it will probably be sooner than you think.

How Drunk Must You Be To Watch

Drink an entire fifth of Jack. Then take the empty bottle and crack the thing over your head so you can lay unconscious until the end credits roll.

Black Book Review (2006)

*** - I don't get to see a lot of movies nowadays due to school and working on improving my horrible backyard. So many of these reviews will be for older movies that you might have missed when they were originally released ***

Director: Paul Verhoeven
Cast: Carice van Houten - Rachel Stein/Ellis de Vries
Sebastian Koch - Ludwig Muntze
Thom Hoffman - Hans Akkermans

Stolen Plot Write-up (From IMDB)

In the Nazi-occupied Netherlands during World War II, a Jewish singer infiltrates the regional Gestapo headquarters for the Dutch resistance.

My Lame Point of View

Yeah! Everyone's favorite exploitative, dutch director is back after a six year "retirement" from Hollywood. Don't you love when people always say they are going to retire and then realize that they cant get away from what they love and come back the next year. *cough* Brett Favre *cough*

Well technically Verhoeven stuck to his guns for the most part and made a movie in his native country the Netherlands that eventually was sent to the U.S. But enough with all this useless trivia.

Alright, So the movie takes place in the Netherlands, where a Jewish girl, Rachel Stein, is trying to escape her homeland before those damn Nazis invade. One night a man comes to her hiding spot and tells her that there is a boat that can smuggle them out of the country for a little somethin' somethin'...I'm talking about money of course. The girl is able to meet up with her family (also in hiding in a different location) and reach the dock where the boat is. Unfortunately for them a Nazi patrol boat is in the area and kills everyone on the boat except for Rachel, who escapes.

After her near fatal run in with the Germans, Rachel is rescued by members of a resistance group who are trying to overthrow the gestapo. The leader of the resistance believes that Rachel can use her titties to infiltrate and seduce the head German officer Muntze which will help eliminate those nasty Germans. Will Muntze's penis will control his better judgement and lead to the downfall of the Germans in the Netherlands? Will Rachel Stein fall in love with the German Officer? Is there something more sinister behind the resistance that we don't know about? Why the fuck is this movie called Black Book in the first place?

I guess you will just have to find out...

Violence

So when you rent a Paul Verhoeven movie you are assured of one thing. Violence. Like many of his previous movies (Total Recall, Robocop, Hollow Man) Black Book delivers with people getting shot left and right in the head, arms, legs, you name it.

Naughty Areas

So when you rent a Paul Verhoeven movie you are assured of two things. One is Violence. Two is naked people. Black Book was no different with showing a lot of titties, some dyed bush and for the ladies...a fat guy and his limp dick. Enjoy

How Drunk Must You Be To Watch

Honestly, not at all. It has everything from violence, nakedness and an actual decent story. You could enjoy this sober as Lindsay Lohan after her 12th visit to rehab, but to make it safe you should have at least one beer.

The First of Three

Yeah, this is going to be a quick post, but i just had my first fantasy football draft of the season. Needless to say, I am not that confident. (Good Thing this is a free league with the lady's coworkers)

I had the 5 pick out of a 10 team league. The first round was horrible for me. I knew that LT, AP and Westbrook would be gone by my pick came around. I was just hoping that Addai would somehow fall to me at 5. Well that dream shattered and i had to choose between Stephen Jackson, Randy Moss and Tom Brady and number 5. I usually hate picking QBs in the first round so I passed on the gimp who really isn't a gimp. Stupid Bellicheat and his lying. Also you only get 4 points per passing TD. I also did not want to pick an injury prone RB who has a shitty O-line with my first pick so i settled for everybody's favorite Nascar aficionado, Randy Moss. (WTF? Nascar??)

After that pick it didn't get any better. See for yourself.

QB - Brett Favre, Jason Campbell (embarrassing)
WR - Randy Moss, Larry Fitzgerald, Torry Holt, Greg Jennings, Ted Ginn
RB - MJD, Jamal Lewis, Selvin Young, Matt Forte, Ricky Williams
TE - Kellen Winslow
K - Mason Crosby
D - Jax

Go ahead and make fun of my team. I deserve to be kicked in the nuts for many of these picks...well except for Matt Forte (I'm a homer. Go bears) And don't remind me of the drama queen pick. I cant believe i picked Brett Favre. I cried a little after that one.

Let Us Start the Blogging Experience with Something Disgusting

Well, i finally did it. I caved in and decided that i should start posting my lame viewpoints/opinions for the world to see. Granted it's hard to "cave in" when nobody is pressuring you to do something, but never mind that.

Anyways this morning was a little more hectic than normal. First of all, let me tell you that I love waking up to my girlfriend telling me that it is already 8 am. (I have to be at work at 8:30 with about a 20 minute commute). So instead of my normal routine of waking up early enough to catch the last 10 minutes of an episode of Saved by the Bell, i had to wake up, shower, brush my teeth, get dressed and check my fantasy baseball team (i have priorities) in the matter of 10 minutes. It was not ideal. Luckily i was able to get everything accomplished and was on my way. Better yet, there was zero traffic and was making great time. Well until the Nuckols off ramp.

If you have ever experienced the Nuckols off ramp, you know how much of a bitch it is. It has single-handily been the reason for me being late on numerous occasions. Let me give you a brief description of the exit. It's about 3/4 of a mile long that ends at a stop sign. The cross street at this sign is Nuckols road where cars are going about 45 miles an hour and the openings for possible merger onto Nuckols are minimal. Note, there are times when three or four cars can merge during one opening in traffic, but these instances are few and far between. This leads to the exit being backed up by 20 cars every morning. Well this morning was no different...except for one added bonus.

As I am sitting in my car, i glance up at my rear view mirror to see what appears to be a lady scratching her nose and then picking at her teeth. Then i thought to myself, "Maybe she was picking her nose and then eating it." I highly doubted a 30-something, professional would be doing this so I disregarded it and inched the car up the "exit from hell". About 5 seconds later, i look up again and i can clearly see her finger going from her nose and directly to her mouth. But no longer is she taking time between "picks". Now she is furiously digging into her left nostril and then eating the "reward" like she had not had a meal in weeks. (Please note that this "healthy" woman obviously ate well).

So once the left nostril is bare what is a starving woman to do but see what the right nostril is serving up today. She goes after the right nostril with such aggression that I am afraid she is going to hurt herself. Her pointer finger is actually stretching out the nostril she is using so much force. I was expecting that once she removed her finger that a flow of blood we venture down to her lower lip. Alas, nothing but that crusty, disgusting mucous would exit her nose this morning. Now you may wonder why i would be watching this, but remember i am still stuck on the exit ramp and have nothing better to do. It is the perfect example of something being so disgusting you can help but watch. Like people watching those Traces of Death videos...or is it Faces of Death. I don't honestly know.

At this time I am starting to become nauseous. My throat is starting to lubricate(not sexually you asses...saliva is starting to increase) and I am preparing for puking all over my car. I am praying that these cars in front of me start moving because it's going to get ugly. Meanwhile, i keep looking in that damn rear view mirror while this lady is still picking and eating, picking and eating, picking and eating. Knowing that i might not last if i have to endure this disgusting act another minute, I start shaking my head and raising my hands up in that "What the Fuck?" manner, in hopes of embarrassing her to stop. But this lady is so focused on the task at hand that it doesn't even phase her. She just keeps picking and eating.

Finally, I am near the front of the line and am about to merger on Nuckols. Cars are still flying by and finally there is an opening for the car in front of me to go. I disregard the stop sign and as soon as that car takes off, I'm right on their ass and merging on to the road with them. Unfortunately, i leave a little too early and Miss Gold-digger merges in right behind me. Luckily she doesn't stay behind me for long and passes me as I turn left...ending my torture.

So now i wonder, why would an adult still do things that most people stop doing at the age of 6? And how can they be so oblivious and not notice someone watching them do this disgusting act? Ridiculous.

So there it is. My first post and hopefully not my last. Trust me that not all of them will be long, drawn out stories like this. In fact most will be reviews of movies/shows i like. Yeah, I'm a tool. Now off to my first fantasy football draft of the year.